Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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