Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My dad just said "fuck circus"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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