so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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