i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
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