Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
