New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
