i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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