Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
