I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize