I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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