my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We have so much sex to catch up on
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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