just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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