I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
