you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
