my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
