my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
