Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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