You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
where are you?
Hypothermia
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
