I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
