You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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