just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She bit a glass in half.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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