the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
