I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
