She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
she told me i tasted like america
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
