Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
