i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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