I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize