Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize