i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Everclear isn't food dammit
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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