She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
