he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
