In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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