sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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