im about as happy as oj after his trial
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
