I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
