I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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