the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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