She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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