Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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