Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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