if i can run in heels then i can drive
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
