I don't usually arrange sex via text message
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize