I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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