who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
