Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
