So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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