before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
