it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i will never coherently bang her
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
