Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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