It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
