The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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