So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I could make wine with my vomit
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
