Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
