Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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