vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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