OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
