Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize