She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
