i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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