You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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