Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
