It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
